A Sweet Conviction
by rsb57
Summary: Starsky's firm belief in his recovery is tested. Story set against the background of SWEET REVENGE. Third entry in a series which started with The Sweetest Reward.
1. Chapter 1

**DISCLAIMER:** I do not own any part of Starsky and Hutch franchise. The following is only for entertainment.

**FYI:** This is the last part of a group of stories which started with The Sweetest Reward, followed by Anticipating Sweet Rewards.

Thanks for reading.

Becky

SHSHSHSHSHSHSHSH

This was the moment Starsky had anticipated for three long months. He was finally home. Hutch had told him about the little house on the quiet street that he had helped Rachel find. Starsky still worried that she had spent more than she should have, but he saw what had attracted her to the house. He peered out the car window at his new home.

Starsky had a quick look at the neatly packaged ranch home. At first glance the house seemed small. It was shaded by large, leafy trees in the front. The flower bed that lined the sidewalk sprouted a rainbow of colors. The house itself was a dark brick with white trim.

On further inspection, most of the living area was at the back of the house and was secluded by the shrubs that lined the perimeter.

They no sooner pulled up in front of the house, than Rachel began handing out orders to her brood of borrowed children.

That's exactly how she had come to think of Ken and Gretchen. Rachel always made friends easily, just as her son did. But Rachel had met David's friends and co-workers over the years and had come to think of them all as extended members of her family. She was increasingly grateful for the people involved in her son's life.

In her quiet, introspective moments, Rachel still felt guilty for sending David to live with Rose and Al when David was just a teenager. After all these years, Rachel worried that David didn't feel loved, particularly by her.

David's laughter pushed the old worries out of her head. She smiled as the friendly banter between the younger people continued. She relished the joyful noises of her son's homecoming.

"Gretchen, here's the key. Go open the door. David can't get chilled and shouldn't be outside for long. Hutch- give me that bag-- be careful boys,-- David here's your cane." Rachel clucked over her son as he made his way up the sidewalk and into the house.

Starsky should have expected his mother to fly around him like a moth. She followed everyone inside and then as she reached the couch, she fluffed up the pillows as an invitation for Starsky to stretch out on the familiar blue couch.

Starsky took in his surroundings. He was relieved to have his own comfortable things around him. After 3 months of hospital drab, the colors that greeted him now made him dizzy. There was so much clamoring for his attention, that he couldn't immediately focus on all of it. Instead he concentrated on what was in front of him.

The living room was bright and cheerful. One wall was made up of floor to ceiling windows. The afternoon sun filtered in through the gauzy curtains, letting just enough sun in to warm the area.

The kitchen was separated from the living room by a breakfast bar. From Starsky's vantage point, he could see the large sliding glass door on the other side of the kitchen. The floor was made up of neurtral shades of tile which blended with the pale yellow wallpaper on the kitchen walls.

The smaller wing of the house spiked off of the kitchen. It contained a bedroom and bathroom. From the outside, the house was deceiving in respect to how much the house spread out inside. But inside, the rooms were open and bright. The other wing branched off of the entrance and Rachel had figured this should be Starsky's part of the house.

He was very glad to be home, but he was also shaky and dizzy. He didn't even have the energy to explore his new surroundings.

Hutch and Gretchen brought everything in from the car and deposited the suitcases in Starsky's bedroom.

"David, you want to go lay down in your room?", Gretchen asked.

Starsky plopped down on the couch and patted the cushion next to him.

"Come sit with me. I don't have the energy for nothin' but lookin' at you.!" Starsky's tired smile spread into his eyes as he yawned and kissed Gretchen on the cheek.

Hutch followed Rachel into the kitchen and poked his nose into the pot on the stove.

"Rachel, you must have gotten up with the birds this morning to make this. Smells and looks wonderful. Starsk!--- you hungry or do you want to lay down?" Hutch called from the kitchen but got no answer. "Starsky?--, Hutch said as he walked back into the living room.

By the time Hutch came back to the living room, Starsky was stretched out on the couch and already curling into the afghan Gretchen had spread over him.

Gretchen motioned with her hand toward the quiet, dark haired man and smiled at Hutch.

Gretchen sat beside Starsky and rubbed his temples as he let out a grateful mumble.

"I'm all of the sudden done in. Gretchen, that feels (yawn) so good and I'm just---(yawn) really sleepy."

Now he could smell something very tempting coming from the kitchen. But his eyes were really heavy and he just couldn't keep them open any longer. The pain pill he took before he'd left the hospital kicked in and now he had his first nap in his new home.

Sometime later, his nose twitched as a wonderful aroma reached him. He cracked an eye open to see his mother standing over him with a bowl of some sort of steaming, fragrant contents that reached his nose and made his stomach grumble.

"David dear, you fell asleep so fast, you didn't even eat. Here, sit up now and enjoy the stew I made." Rachel pulled up a tray table and set it beside the couch.

"Ma, this place is amazing! At least the living room is." Starsky hungrily attacked the stew in the bowl. He ripped off a piece of the still warm bread and dipped it into the mix.

"Where's Hutch and Gretchen?" Starsky paused long enough to ask with a full mouth.

"Gretchen had to go to work. She said she'd call in the morning. Hutch went to the grocery store." Rachel sat in the chair opposite her son. She was very glad that he was eating with such enjoyment.

"Terrific! He's probably gathering all the ingrediants to make his god awful protein shakes. Dr. Brooks gave Hutch all the encouragement he needed to make me eat all kinds of healthy crap." Starsky continued chewing on his piece of bread as he shook his head in amazement.

"Hutch just wants to make sure you keep healthy while you wait for your surgery. You need to build up your immune system and gain some weight.", Rachel reasoned.

"I know, the Blintz means well. I just like to pull his chain about his health stuff. I'm anxious for the surgery and I don't want to get a cold or bug that would delay it. Just think, Ma--- Dr. West is gonna repair my arm!" Starsky stopped chewing and flashed his mother a wide, happy grin.

Starsky took another bite of stew but the happiness faded from his eyes and was replaced with an apologetic, slightly green tinged, expression on his face.

"Oh, man, sorry Ma. I can't eat anymore. I was so hungry and this smelled so good, but---." Starsky rubbed his belly and closed his eyes against the pain that was creeping into his stomach.

He took a deep breath and settled back against the cushions.

Rachel went over to sit next to her son. She picked up his hand and planted a small kiss there.

"Honey, I think you've had enough excitement for your first day home. When Hutch comes back, he can help you get settled in bed." Rachel spoke quietly.

Starsky didn't argue. He continued rubbing his belly and steadied his breathing. At least the nausea settled down. He would feel really guilty if he couldn't keep the meal down that his mother had prepared for him.

A few minutes later, Hutch pulled into the driveway and brought the few bags of groceries into the kitchen.

Rachel followed him into the kitchen, providing a worried account about Starsky.

"It's okay, Rachel. He just can't eat like he used to and I think sometimes he forgets that. He'll be fine but he probably should go to bed." Hutch comforted the older woman with a hug and a kiss to her cheek.

"C'mon Gordo, ya wanna check out your bedroom?" Hutch offered as he walked back to the living room.

"What a way to entertain on my first night home!", Starsky mumbled as he slowly stood up.

He hated to, but he reached over to Hutch for support as the two men walked to the back of the house.

Starsky's bedroom was very masculine and comfortable. The room was bathed in the last hazy shadows of the day, outlining a fair sized open area. There was an overstuffed chair in one corner. Beside the chair, a sliding glass door opened up onto a patio area leading to the back yard. Along the other wall was a desk and chest of drawers.

The bed was along the shortest wall and the bathroom opened up on the other side of the bed. It was decorated with a blue and white shower curtain and towels.

Starsky yawned as he looked around him. He slumped down on the bed with a tired groan.

"Hutch, I didn't want Ma to know,but I'm really hurtin'. I ate too much, too fast and now my gut's on fire." Starsky sat on the bed clutching his stomach and taking in great gulps of air.

Hutch sat beside Starsky and rubbed his back in slow, even circles.

"Just slow your breathing. You didn't fool your mother any. She knew you ate too fast. So just forget the guilt and try to let your stomach relax."

Hutch continued with the small, firm circles on Starsky's back. This trick had worked in the hospital when Starsky had over done eating or even with a particularly hard day of therapy.

Starsky let out a slow breath but turned an ashen expression to Hutch.

Without another word, Hutch reached for the metal wastebasket sitting beside the bathroom door. In the rush to get Starsky's bedroom set up this small detail had been forgotten about.

Starsky leaned over and deposited his contents in the can. He moaned and spit again. Finally he sat up straighter but kept his eyes closed against the sour taste in his mouth.

Hutch got up to get a damp, cool washcloth from the bathroom. He came back and guided Starsky down on the mattress. He laid the cloth on Starsky's sweaty forehead and sat again beside his restless friend.

"Oh this really sucks!",Starsky moaned from under the washcloth.

"Buddy, you just relax. How's your stomach feel now?" Hutch asked.

"Empty." Starsky snickered.

"Cute!"--- Trying to think of something to take Starsky's mind off his pain, Hutch decided to ask Starsky what he thought of the house.

"So, what do you think? Is the house okay? Your mom really liked it when she first saw it and I have to agree." Hutch pulled up the washcloth from Starsky's face and went to the bathroom to wring it out again.

"It's great. Really open and roomy." Starsky's voice was scratchy from the acid his stomach brought up and he was really thirsty.

Hutch brought the washcloth back but before he set it across the dark brows, he handed Starsky a glass of water.

Starsky partially sat up and traded glances with Hutch. Starsky took the glass and greedily gulped down the water. He winced as the coldness reached his stomach but was satisfied that it would not make a return visit.

Starsky yawned and licked his lips.

"I think I'm good now. You don't have to stay. I'm done makin' a mess and now I'm just exhausted." Starsky yawned again and closed his eyes. They flicked open again as he felt Hutch's worried blue eyes staring at him.

"I'm okay, honest. I just hate not being able to enjoy a simple meal. Tomorrow will be better, blondie. I can't wait to have this surgery. It's the only thing I have to look forward to. We'll be back out on the streets in no time partner!"

Starsky's voice was weak but his eyes were filled with determination.

Starsky yawned again and his eyes fluttered shut. This time the lashes remained feathered against the slightly pale cheeks. Soon, Starsky's breathing evened out and the pain lines dissappeared from his face.

Hutch sat beside his friend for awhile. He wanted to make sure Starsky would remain asleep and not have a nightmare or other uncomfortable problem.

Hutch stood up and removed the dry washcloth from Starsky's forehead. He wiped a stray curl away from the closed eyes. He moved toward the door but hesitated. He glanced back at the sleeping, dark haired man. He hoped that the impending surgery would have the desired results that Starsky was counting on. He sighed and closed the door behind him.


	2. Chapter 2

The morning breeze caught the curtain across the open patio door. It floated toward the bed. The figure in the bed mumbled something before he coughed and then attempted to stretch.

Starsky winced as the simple movement caused pain to radiate from his back into his arm. After all this time, morning was still a surprise. He usually dreamt that he was doing something physical. The dreams were so real that the disappointment would shake him awake each day.

Starsky just had to have a good day. He desperately needed a day without pain. But it was not to be. Various aches, cramps and twitches made their presence known as his eyes popped open. He was momentarily confused. No noises? No light glaring in his eyes? No nurse to wake him up with the daily routine?

Oh, yeah! He was home! He laid still and just enjoyed the quiet. He could hear birds and somewhere a dog barked. He longed to pull his arms up over his head and stretch. Most of the time all he could manage was to scratch his ear with his right hand. But wait, this was a good sign. His arm continued past his head and he gingerly continued the movement. He reached up behind him and touched the headboard. No pain, just soreness.

He concentrated on his left hand but could not even bring the hand up to his ear. Well, that would be fixed soon. In two weeks he'd have the surgery that would restore the nerves and muscles to his left hand. He wondered if he'd really be able to have control of his left hand and do everything again that he had once taken for granted.

Well, now he thought of something else. He was hungry! The muted sounds of kitchen noise reached him as he attempted to sit up in bed. Oh, man, that would take some getting used to. A flat bed was not conducive to a comfortable, fluid motion. He rolled to his side, gasping as he realized he had been flat for to long. Panic began to wash over him. He struggled to control his breathing.

'C'mon Starsky, suck it up and move!', he spoke to himself in his best army attitude.

He groaned but continued the forward motion. Finally he had his legs over the side of the bed. He sat there until the room stopped spinning and his stomach stopped churning.

"David? Can I come in?" Gretchen's soft voice followed her tentative knock.

"Hey good morning! What a nice way to wake up!" He was honestly glad she was here, he just didn't want her to see how much pain he was in.

Starsky plastered what he hoped would be a convincing grin on his face, as the door opened and Gretchen joined him on the bed.

"I just had to see you before I started work. You conked out so quickly yesterday and I didn't want to disturb you so I told your mother I'd call this morning. But I decided you wouldn't mind if I came over instead." Gretchen searched Starsky's eyes, hoping to find happiness and not pain.

Starsky leaned over as Gretchen slid closer. He put both arms around her and gathered her into a welcome hug. He kissed her cheek and let her go as his left arm lost what little strength it had and slid back down to the bed.

"So much for a romantic good morning." Starsky turned apologetic eyes toward Gretchen.

He slumped where he sat,wishing he could really enjoy Gretchen's company.

Gretchen reached up and turned Starsky's face so that their eyes were level. She wanted him to see trust reflecting back at him. She refused to let him look away, her gaze held him steady.

"Okay, I get it." Starsky sighed. He returned a small grin in Gretchen's direction and picked up her hand.

Starsky kissed her hand and brought her hand up to his chest and rested it there as he quietly explained.

"It's just frustrating. I want to do so much but I don't have the energy or the dexterity to act on what I feel."

"Then we improvise. Remember, I am a PHYSICAL therapist and I told you I'd be in charge of your entertainment!"

Gretchen blushed. She was not usually in the habit of making suggestive remarks. She normally was reserved, even in relationships, but there was something about the eyes that gazed back at her that made her feel confident and secure enough to speak what she thought.

That out of character statement joined both people in a heart felt laugh and broke the tension between them. Starsky shook his head and shared a genuine smile with the woman in front of him.

Gretchen leaned forward and kissed Starsky on the forehead. Her eyes danced with affection, glad she could bring the crooked smile back to Starsky's face..

"C'mon lazy, get up and get dressed. I have to leave soon and I know that your new therapist will be here later. Jason will be working with you to build you up before your surgery."

"That's about the only thing holding me together. I wanted so much to be home but all of the sudden I'm really scared. I had a bad night last night and this morning I felt so helpless when I first woke up. I just want this all to be over and get my life back!"

Starsky balled up his fist and punched at his leg as the frustration and uncertainty took over.

Gretchen reached over and felt the anger in the clenched hand she held. She kissed it and ran her other hand through David's hair.

"When Jason gets here, he'll help you figure out how to stay busy these next few weeks. You need something to keep your mind off your self and have something constructive to do."

Starsky kissed Gretchen again on the cheek and stood up. He felt more steady and was ready to begin his day. Gretchen was a good morning dose of caffeine!

--------

It took awhile but Starsky managed to get himself cleaned up after Gretchen left. He couldn't manage anything other than pulling up a pair of sweat pants. He looked at himself in the mirror and just shrugged. He would have to stop hiding and get used to the way his body looked. Besides, he wouldn't always be so marked up with the scars. Eventually his hair would grow back and the scars would fade. He would always know the scars were there but he counted on the fact that once his body had a chance to completely heal, the reminders of what he had been through would be less apparent.

He observed himself critically and was disappointed at what he saw. His earlier resolve to accept himself the way he was faded as he studied the body in the mirror reflected back at him.

He had lost so much weight that his ribs stuck out and his natural coloring was now pale instead of the healthy glow of before. His chest sunk in and there were no ripples of muscle either in his chest or arms. He guessed he was being vain, but he had always been proud of his powerful body and his ability to satisfy women.

He reached for a T-shirt from the drawer and struggled to get it over his head. He found he could snake it over his head with his right hand and arm. That was a definate improvement. He didn't want to be in front of his mother without something covering him up. He hated the looks of pity and distress from those he loved.

He made his way out to the living room and smelled the rich coffee brewing. He was actually hungry but didn't know for what.

His mother was busy cutting up vegetables and throwing them into a pot when Starsky settled at the kitchen table. It felt good sitting at a real table. He had gotten used to eating in bed or sitting in a straight chair eating off the bedside tray. He cherished the feel of family and normal every day things.

"Good Morning honey! Did you enjoy your company?" Rachel stopped what she was doing and went to give her son a hug and kissed his ear.

"Yeah, ya know, she doesn't ever let me take myself to seriously or be down for long. She knows just what to say and do to snap me out of a mood. She's gotten to be as important to me as Hutch is." Starsky smiled up at his mother and sipped the coffee she had set in front of him.

"Well, Hutch left you a protein drink to get your day started. I can add some ice cream to it if you want."

Starsky rolled his eyes and frowned.

"He just can't resist with those protein things! I admit I'm getting used to them. It seems to be the easiest on my stomach in the morning. Sure, put some ice cream in it and then all I have to do is hold my nose against the smell!!"

Son and Mother sat and talked for awhile as Rachel continued fussing over the pot of soup she was making.

They had an easy relationship but both were unhappy that Nick didn't seem to want to be part of that bond. Rachel still wanted to believe that her younger son would realize that he needed his family.

On the other hand, Starsky had become extremely annoyed with his brother and did not trust him or expect anything from him. Given the fact that Nick had only called once since his accident and not at all since Rachel came to be with Starsky, the only conclusion he could come to was that Nick was involved in somehting that he didn't want his mother or brother to know about.

He wanted to suggest that it was time for her to go home, but knew it would be useless to bring up the subject until after his surgery. Rachel enjoyed having her son close to her and she loved cooking for as many people as possible. Most nights Hutch and Gretchen joined them for dinner.

Rachel glanced over at Starsky and saw the flash of pain that crossed into her son's eyes.

"Did you take your pills yet? Here's some water. That should help in a little bit."

Starsky grumbled in reply but put out his hand to receive the number of pills he still needed. As he swallowed them, the front door opened and Hutch walked into the kitchen.

"Good morning everybody! Rachel, you're spoiling Starsky and me. Everytime I come here there's another wonderful aroma coming from the kitchen." Hutch beamed at Rachel and helped himself to a cup of coffee.

Hutch sat opposite Starsky and reached his hand over to cover Starsky's.

Starsky flinched and pulled his hand away from Hutch.

Hutch chose to ignore the rejected touch and spoke instead.

"Did you sleep okay buddy? How are ya this morning?"

"I'm okay. Just have a headache." Starsky mumbled and took another sip of the protein drink.

"Well, I think I'm going over to Dottie's. She was the first neighbor I met and she's been wanting me to come over for coffee." Rachel turned the fire out under the soup and gave the two men a pat on the head as she left the kitchen.

"Terrific, my babysitter's here", Starsky mumbled under his breath.

"What was that buddy?" Hutch tried again to reach out for Starsky's hand but again, Starsky pulled away.

"Nothin'. You don't need to stay. Ma won't be gone that long. I can take care of myself." Starsky spoke with his head down, concentrating on his glass.

"What's up with you this morning? I'm here for you. Just talk to me!" Hutch tried to assure Starsky.

"Damn it Hutch, back off will ya?" Starsky snarled. He stood up from the chair and swayed. He had not brought his cane with him and now he was off balance. He stood a moment, trying to get his bearings.

Hutch reached over to steady his friend. As soon as Starsky felt Hutch's hand on his arm, he twisted to keep out of reach. The movement only increased Starsky's dizzy feeling and before he could grab the table for support, he fell, landing in a heap on the kitchen floor.


	3. Chapter 3

Starsky huffed as he pulled himself along the kitchen floor. He was embarrased and very angry. Angry at himself, angry at his body and angry at Hutch for--- being Hutch.

Hutch reached for Starsky as he lay on the floor but the dark haired man just grunted and slapped the outstretched hand away.

"Starsky, are you hurt? let me help you. Wait, just catch your---"

"Hutch, go away! I don't need you!" Starsky spat out as he crawled to the living room.

He moved along the wall, hand-walking himself up, but he didn't have the strength. He turned his back against the wall and slid to the floor. He sat with his knees up to his chin, his arms supporting his head.

Hutch followed him and tried again to reach his friend. He watched as the curled up body shook with anger and sorrow.

"Starsk? Please--- talk to me. How can I help you?" Hutch wanted to enfold the figure in his arms but he was afraid to cause him any more distress.

Starsky lifted his head from his arms and just stared at the blond. He fixed Hutch with a look full of anger and shame.

"You can't help me! I'm a weak, helpless mess. I can't even help myself!", Starsky cried and wiped his nose with his hand.

"What started all this? Did I say or do something that ticked you off?" Hutch tried to think back but could not come up with anything that made any sense.

Hutch reached out again wanting to comfort the shaking, distraught man in front of him. Suddenly, the sapphire eyes became darker and there was a strong defiant look on Starsky's face.

"Fuck off Hutch! Don't touch me-- I can't stand the pity-- especially not from you!" The angry words spilled out of Starsky and stung the blond. He visibly flinched as the words tumbled out around the room.

The fury of the statement hung between them. Hutch knew this was not personal. Starsky was angry, but not at him.

Starsky seemed to deflate after the words left his mouth. He realized what he had just said but had no wish to apologize.

Starsky sniffed and curled his body into a tighter ball. He hugged his legs until finally he let out a long, resigned breath.

"Don't you see? Nobody ever leaves me alone. You just-- '_**happened**_'-- to stop by which gave Ma the opportunity to get away from her pathetic son!"

---'Keep an eye on the poor guy, he might forget his pills or need help in the bathroom.---', Starsky said in a bitter, sarcastic voice.

Starsky took in a ragged breath and shook his head.

Hutch silently decided that Starsky needed this tirade. Hutch sat opposite Starsky and just held him with his eyes. Starsky was not yet ready for the kind of comfort Hutch so badly wanted to provide.

"I see the sympathy and pity in everybody and **I HATE IT**! Maybe the only person who really understands is Gretchen!" Starsky let out a strangled laugh and put his head back down on his arms.

When he lifted his head again, his eyes where shiny with tears. He wiped his hand across his eyes and wiped the tears against his pants.

"Now that's a real pitiful site. A beautiful woman mixed up with a sorry excuse of a man. She was here this morning. Remember last night when I was puking my guts out? Well she got a good whiff of that this morning but she must like worthless, smelly creatures. I can't even touch her Hutch. I can't make her feel like a woman! How can I when I don't feel like a man??"

Starsky was quiet for a few minutes. His head was in his arms and the shaking had stopped. Hutch wondered idly if Starsky's tirade had finally ceased. He reached out and gently touched Starsky's dark hair. The curly head came up and Starsky tentatively reached a hand to Hutch.

Hutch still didn't grab Starsky in the hug that he craved. He felt it was more important to take what Starsky offered and not overwhelm him with more than he was ready to handle.

"Starsky--" Hutch whispered. "Starsky, it's okay. We all love you. No one thinks you're helpless or weak. My god, a weaker man would have died a long time ago from the injuries you suffered. If anything, I admire the hell out of you for your determination. You have the surgery to look forward to. You'll get stronger. You already can do more than you could a month ago!" Hutch lowered his head so he could look up into the eyes of his friend.

"But Hutch, what about Gretchen?" The tears started again and this time he did not push Hutch away when the blond wiped them away.

"I think she's already made her choice buddy. She opted to back away as your therapist and now she wants you. She wants Starsky--- the MAN"

Hutch inched closer and put his hands on either side of Starsky's face.

Starsky's eyes slid from Hutch's face. His eyes were black with grief. Hutch did not take his eyes from those in front of him.

Starsky let his legs fall straight out. Hutch repositioned himself to accommodate the change in posture. He was not sure what to expect.

Without another word, Starsky pulled his T-shirt up and exposed his bumpy, tracked chest.

"Look at that! What woman, even an understanding one like Gretchen, could want this?" Starsky's shaky hands held the T-shirt up to his chin.

Hutch couldn't stop the look of pain that crossed his face. Of course, both men had seen each other naked or near naked many times. Either in the gym, locker room or a relaxed afternoon at the beach. Hutch knew how proud Starsky was of his body, both because of his ability to carry out the physical demands of the job and also because women were attracted to the dark haired man.

Instead of the well muscled, defined chest covered with dark, springy hair, there were bumpy red and white tracks and scars over a narrow, pale body. The chest hair was very sparse, clumped in some areas, very thin or non existent in others.

Hutch reached over and pulled the T shirt out of Starsky's hand and gently pulled it back down over the heaving, sweaty chest.

"Starsk, you will heal. You're not always gonna look like that. Remember, Gretchen has seen you at your worst. She's obviously willing to forget that and move ahead with you as you recover. But you need to talk to her about all of this. All I can offer you is me. It's still Me and Thee, never forget that."

As Hutch said this last phrase, Starsky brought his legs back up under his chin but reached out to Hutch.

With the invitation now genuine, Hutch gathered the dark haired man in his arms. Starsky's tears started over but the racking sobs of before were over. There was no more anger left in the body Hutch held close to his.

They sat this way for awhile. They both needed the contact and to reassure each other that the bond between them, although stretched, had not torn apart.

Starsky pulled away first, feeling relieved but also embarrased.

"Sorry I cracked up there buddy." Starsky spoke in a low tone as he watched Hutch move out of his grasp.

"No need for another word. But let's get up off the floor. I don't know about you, but I'm getting to old to be stretched out on the floor for this long!" Hutch tried to lighten the tension that still lingered between them.

Hutch heaved himself up off the floor and reached down to offer a hand up to his friend.

"I need a little more help than just a hand blondie. I need a crane!" Starsky allowed Hutch to grab him under the arms and pull him to a standing position. Hutch guided him over to the couch and both men gratefully sank into the cushions.

"We okay now? Anything else you need to freak out about? But seriously Starsk, don't hold that stuff in. You know I'm always here for ya. I'm not goin' anywhere!" The familiar phrase and love from the blue eyes were enough to make the curly head nod in agreement. In the same instant, the sapphire eyes lightened and the crooked smile returned to Starsky's face.


	4. Chapter 4

The two men sat on the couch watching a favorite monster movie they found on TV. No more was said about Starsky's breakdown. But Starsky felt a need for reassurance. He kept glancing at Hutch, looking for any signs of anger or blame. The blond seemed engrosed in the monster movie but would occasionally reach out for Starsky's hand. Once, their eyes met at the same time and unspoken support and trust reverberated betweeen them.

The doorbell rang and Starsky held out his arm, holding Hutch back from getting up.

Starsky opened the door and there in front of him was the human version of the skyscraper monster from the movie he and Hutch had just been watching. Not that the guy was ugly,--- just big!

Jason held out his hand and Starsky took the meaty paw in his and gulped.

"I'm Jason Moss, your therapist." Jason politely introduced himself.

"I'm Dave Starsky, c'mon in." The big man just fit through the door frame.

Jason was big. He was 6'7" and weighed 220 lbs., 220 lbs of muscle. He had closely cropped, wavy dark blond hair and brown eyes. The smile that went from ear to ear also reached into his eyes. He was normally a positive person and really liked his job. He had read a lot about his new patient and was anxious to get to know him and help Starsky recover.

Hutch stood up and shook the hand that Jason offered.

"Well, I can see you'll be in good hands Starsk! You better behave yourself---, turkey!!" Hutch teased his friend.

Jason laughed in spite of himself. He wanted to appear professional but he couldn't resist admiring the friendly banter. He was pretty outgoing and had a good sense of humor, so he felt welcomed and at ease with the two men.

"I've read your medical history and wow-- you've accomplished a lot in a short amount of time. And let me tell you something else, I know what you're going through. Wait --- don't roll your eyes at me like that, I do understand. I was in Viet Nam and came back with some severe injuries. It took me months to recover and when I was well, I went back to school to be a physical therapist." Jason offered this brief history to put Starsky at ease.

"Okay, Jason-- c'mon and sit down and how do we get started?" Starsky already liked the big friendly man and was encouraged that he was a VET.

Jason sat in the over stuffed chair opposite the couch and accepted the glass of ice tea Hutch offered him.

"Well, I know you're going to have surgery in two weeks. Dr. West is an amazing doctor. The surgery is very delicate but I think you'll be pleased with the results. Like I said, I had a lot of injuries when I came back from Nam and one of them was very similar to yours. Dr. West was my doctor and I had the same procedure that you're going to have. That's one of the reasons I was assigned to your case. My dominant hand is my right and I was really handicapped before the surgery. I played baseball in college and before Nam, I was going to go pro. But after--- well, I gave that up. But the surgery was successful and gave me back the strength and control in my hand. I guess I could have continued with baseball, but by then I was so fascinated with the therapy I received, that I wanted to pursue a physical therapy career."

Jason stopped as he saw the look of amazement cross both men's faces. The blond and the curly head turned to each other and shared the same belief. Starsky had a real chance at recovery.

"I can really believe this is gonna happen and it's not just wishful thinking!" Starsky playfully punched Hutch in the arm as Jason continued, but with a warning.

"I'm here to tell you that it's not an easy thing to go through. At first you'll wonder what you've gotten yourself into. But you need to know about all this ahead of time. You can either cancel your surgery or go ahead with it but--"

Starsky stopped Jason's speech as he stood up and started pacing.

"I don't want to change my mind. I know it's gonna be tough but now with you in my corner, I'm sure I'll be just fine!"

Jason and Starsky set about making a plan for the next few weeks. Starsky really needed help in the morning. He didn't want Hutch or Gretchen treating him like a patient so it was decided that Jason would come every morning to help Starsky get out of bed, clean up and help him get dressed.

Jason suggested that the best exercise for him right now was to walk. Just start out by walking up and down the driveway a few times. Anything to build Starsky's energy level was the goal.

"You also need to eat healthy. Do you still have trouble with your stomach?" Jason asked and looked bewildered at the two men.

Starsky was holding his head in his hands and Hutch just laughed.

"I'm sorry, did I say something wrong?" Jason was worried that he had somehow offended one of them. He didn't want to start off on the wrong foot with these two.

"No, it's just--- well, I've been trying to get Starsky to eat better and I myself have a protein shake every morning. I've been trying to get him to drink one most mornings." Hutch beamed at Jason and patted Starsky on the back in amusement.

"It's really not a bad idea Dave. You need to build up your immune system and anything natural or organic will help. Eat fruit and---"

"Just don't tell me to throw in desimated liver", Starsky pleaded with a forlorn look on his face.

"---desiccated---" both Jason and Hutch said together and shared a laugh.

"Terrific, two health nuts-- one of them being as big as a house so I can't refuse what ever he tells me to do!" Starsky planted a dejected look on his face but winked at both men.

A few hours later and two walks up and down the driveway, Jason left for the day. He and Starsky had gotten along well. They had talked a little about their time in Viet Nam, but neither wanted to get too specific.

"I'm really worn out Hutch, I think I'm goin' for a nap. Between my melt down earlier and the little bit of activity with Jason, I've reached my limit." Starsky sat on the couch, trying to get his energy in gear to get to the bedroom.

Hutch got up and without asking went to get Starsky a pain pill before he went to the bedroom. He walked back to the couch with the pill and water and Starsky gratefully swallowed the pill.

"Are you Hungry? Do you want anything before you sleep?" Hutch took the empty glass and noticed the slight shake of Starsky's left hand as he handed it back to Hutch.

"Naah, I'm too tired to eat and besides, I'm not even that hungry." Starsky slowly got up from the couch and moved toward the bedroom. He stopped when he got to the hallway and turned around back into the living room.

"Hutch-- thanks for-- well, you know. I didn't mean anything I said, I really do need you", Starsky said in a hushed tone.

Hutch turned around on the couch and gave Starsky a 'thumbs up' sign and just smiled.


	5. Chapter 5

The days following Starsky's melt down were full of new beginnings. The emotional outburst had initially drained him physically and mentally. But his spirit was recharged by the encompasing love which Hutch was willing to provide. Starsky knew that he was surrounded with unconditional love. His family defined their love for him not because of pity but because of who he was.

Starsky tried to be more assertive without feeling guilty. He appreciated his mother being with him. Her unspoken fear about leaving him alone was genuine but he subtly tried to show her that he was capable of doing many things for himself. He kept his room neat. He helped her in the kitchen as much as he could. Every afternoon he would walk to get the mail. This was more than just going to the front door and reaching into a box. He had to walk down the driveway, cross the street and go about 50 feet further to reach the mailbox.

With Jason's encouragement, the walks up and down the driveway had lengthened to include going for the mail and just before his surgery he was getting as far as the 4th driveway from his home.

On the first morning that Jason arrived to help Starsky with his routine, Jason immediately suggested a hospital bed. Jason's introduction to a stubborn, strong willed Starsky had just begun.

"Nope, ain't gonna do it. I'm home and I refuse to have that ugly monster waiting to bury me." Starsky stated matter of factly.

"But Dave, you'd sleep better. You wouldn't have to go through such a painful adjustment every morning." Jason reasoned while he was helping Starsky stand upright and get his dizziness under control.

"Hey, no more about the bed. I'll adapt to this one and make it work." Starsky's determined look was Jason's first clue that once this man's mind was made up, nothing would change it.

So every morning Jason arrived to help Starsky face another day. Jason appreciated Starsky's single minded attitude about his independence. It reminded him about his own struggle to regain his self worth and confidence after his return from Viet Nam and the injuries he had to battle. Jason understood the courage it took just to get through the day for Starsky.

The days leading up to the surgery were also full of getting to know Gretchen. Starsky came to appreciate her quiet resolve to keep him thinking positive. She also worked hard in subtle ways to show him that she cared about him. Every smile, every kiss, every time she walked into a room, she wanted him to know that he was the reason for her happiness.

She understood the connection between Starsky and Hutch and did not even try to analyze it. She was grateful for the love and support he had in his circle of friends and family. Hutch appreciated her not only because of her devotion to Starsky but because her shy sense of humor was a delight. She held her own with the teasing and banter which often was directed at her. Having grown up with two older brothers, she had learned early how to defend her self with words and to be ready to give as much teasing as she got.

Rachel was more than happy to share her 'boys'. Rachel loved Gretchen not only because of the way she treated her son but she had also come to appreciate the quiet confidence with which she approaced everything. She was easy to talk to and had told Rachel about her mother who had died a few years ago. Gretchen's tears about her mother had grabbed Rachel right away and the older woman wanted Gretchen to feel safe and loved.

Each person thought of their little group as a family. Hutch had always been close to Starsky and there was no problem with that unit. Rachel loved Hutch and Gretchen because of the way they treated her son. She was relieved to know that he would be well taken care of after she went back to New York. Gretchen had missed the closeness with her own family and was delighted that she was accepted by this group of close knit people. At the center of their circle, Starsky held them all with the crooked smile and dancing eyes that finally appeared more often in the last days before his surgery.

-------------

A few evenings before the surgery, found Starsky and Gretchen at his favorite part of the house. He had discovered how pleasant the patio was that opened from his bedroom. It was private and quiet. The night air smelled faintly of sea salt. The beach was about 10 miles from the house and particularly at night, the breeze carried the tangy scent of salt and seaweed.

But it was even more pleasant when Gretchen was with him. Starsky still felt self conscious in many ways but they had figured out how to make their relationship comfortable for both of them.

Gretchen had found a great lounger. It was big enough for two people and padded more than a conventional piece of out door furniture. Then she had scoured her medical supply catalogs and found over sized bed pillows. They were larger and longer than a regular bed pillow and solved a lot of problems for Starsky. Used in bed, he could wedge one of them behind his right hip and back which took the pressure off of his left side. They had discovered that if they stuffed one of these pillows behind his left side on the lounger, then there was little pain on his upper body.

Unfortunately, most times Starsky could not tolerate any pressure on his chest. It was to painful for Gretchen to rest against his chest so they had reversed themselves until they came up with their current position. With the pillow propping Starsky up and forward, the left side of his body was supported without discomfort.

This night there was a full, bright moon. There was a slight breeze which carried with it the ocean smells and the soft scent of the flowering bushes that fenced in the back yard. Starsky was propped up on his left side with the large bed pillow tucked under his lower back and hips. This position angled him toward the center of the double lounger and gave him a wonderful view of Gretchen as she tangled her legs in with Starsky's.

"Umm- boy this is terrific!", Starsky whispered as his leg caressed up and down Gretchen's leg. With his right hand, he reached over to cup her face in his hand and pulled her closer for a kiss. Their lips searched and found the warmth each offered. They lingered over their kiss until Gretchen made a sound deep in her throat.

Gretchen purred contentedly and reached out to put her palm flat on Starsky's stomach. He grimaced slightly but she realized it was more from uncertainty than pain. She moved her hand slightly up toward his chest and watched as the sapphire eyes traced her movement.

"Gretchen, don't-- please?" Starsky pleaded and reached to cover the hand that had stopped its journey up his chest.

"Trust me will you? Don't be afraid. I won't hurt you. I just want---, I need to touch you and to prove to you how I feel." Gretchen so wanted to make Starsky understand that she cared deeply for him inspite of what he saw as imperfections in himself.

Starsky closed his eyes and gave in to the light trail that snaked up his chest. He slowly let out his breath, surprised that he had even been holding it in. He had to admit that her hands felt good against the shirt and he briefly wondered how it would feel if she were to go to his bear chest. He was at first afraid to be so vulnerable but trusted that Gretchen would not be disappointed at what she found. It was different when she was treating him as a patient, but now he wanted her to see him as lover, even though he did not feel he deserved that title.

"Gretchen, that feels so good. You know just how much pressure I can handle without it hurting." Starsky relaxed and let her continue her exploration.

"Well, I am a physical therapist!! Just relax." She reached over again to join him in a deep, searching kiss, all the while moving her hand in firm circles across his chest.

But when she raised her hand and moved to lift his T-shirt, Starsky again stopped her with his hand over hers.

"Gretchen, I trust you but I just don't feel--- hell, I don't know what I feel. But I wish you would stop." Starsky felt embarrased admitting he was afraid. He craved the closeness and the feel of her body next to his. But his mental picture of his carved up chest with the sparse hair would not let him proceed any further.

"Okay, I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable. I only want to show you that I am attracted to you. You aren't one of your monster movie characters even though you see that in your head." Gretchen took Starsky's hand in hers and kissed it.

They both were quiet for awhile. The frogs serenaded and the crickets provided a steady beat that matched the two hearts on the lounger.

"I really care about you and more than anything I want to feel you totally next to me but I'm not ready to do that. I don't feel attractive which is something new for me. I have always been a confident lover and now I doubt myself in everything. I guess that sounds wimpy and conceited at the same time but well---" Starsky held Gretchen's hand against his chest, kissed it, then kissed her nose.

"I think you're very brave, dear one. You can admit your fears but still remain so damn sexy and desirable. But I understand. You need to believe all of that for your self. Just know that I---" Gretchen hesitated, thinking-- but afraid-- to say what her heart was screaming with each beat.

Starsky pulled himself closer into Gretchen and rubbed her back as he sought her mouth for a deep, hard kiss.

They pulled away, breathless and shaky with desire. In the growing darkness Starsky could just make out the soft features in front of him. How he wanted to follow the kiss with the passion it had started but his brain would not let him enjoy.

No more was said as they both sank into each other. They allowed the evening to progress into darkness as the night noises and aromas in the air rolled over them.


	6. Chapter 6

**FYI:** The following chapters deal with Starsky's surgery and recovery. Both scenarios are the product of my own imagination. I do not claim any medical knowledge other than what my brain creates.

SHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSH

Instead of weeks, Starsky was down to just minutes before his surgery. He was already getting groggy from the sedative but fought against it long enough to kiss his mother. He heard her comforting words and felt the loving tossle of his hair.

Gretchen kissed him and whispered her promise to kiss him again when he woke up. She kissed his nose and forehead as he struggled to keep his eyes open for just a little longer.

Hutch bent over him and brushed a stray curl out of his eye. The sapphire eyes sparkled with fear just before they closed. The eyes opened again and held onto the ice blue ones above him. In the seconds before he lost control, he reached out for Hutch. Hutch grabbed his hand and squeezed which was the last thing Starsky remembered.

The surgery would take six hours. They had met Doctor West yesterday after Starsky had checked in to his room. Dr. West was a round, portly fellow with an infectious smile. He had them all laughing at his jokes. Dr. West thought of himself as a comedian which would be his second career if this current one didn't work out.

Starsky had many questions. Most of them Jason had been able to answer for him. Starsky needed to hear it from the man himself if he really was confident that Starsky would get full use of his arm back.

"Son, I have no doubt but you'll be able to play the piano again!!" Dr. West laughed at his own joke and Starsky just rolled his eyes.

"I have done many surgeries of this type. I know it's different when its you, but I studied your case and you have had the tests I needed to map out my surgery plan." Dr. West became serious and wanted to reassure the little group that David would eventually recover.

"It is not an easy recovery. You can rely on Jason's account of what he went through. But I can tell, you are a very determined man and your stubborness will be tested believe me. But you won't be alone. You have your family around you. You'll be here for at least 6 weeks after surgery and only then will your therapy start. But you have dealt with severe pain already and from what I hear from the nurses, you have quite a history at this hospital. So we will work together and get you back to your job that you love." Dr. West made his goodbyes and rumbled out the door.

An hour after Starsky had been wheeled toward the operating room, the little group settled themselves in the family waiting area and arranged themselves on the couch and chairs provided. Hutch had gone in search of coffee, leaving Gretchen and Rachel to stake out their waiting areas.

Gretchen sat on the couch with her head lowered and did not hear Hutch return. He sat beside her with a cup of the warm brew. She startled at the voice beside her. She was lost in her own thoughts.

"Gretchen, here, start out with this. I don't know how good it is but it's warm." Hutch handed the cup to Gretchen. As she took the cup, it shook in her hand until she wrapped her other hand around it to steady the cup and herself.

Hutch set his cup down on the coffee table and wrapped his arm around Gretchen. He placed a light kiss on her forehead and frowned as she started to cry.

"It's okay-- Starsky's gonna be fine." Hutch promised.

Gretchen set her cup next to the one on the coffee table and turned into Hutch for a complete hug.

She pulled away and sniffed as she hiccuped through her tears.

"I just wish--, I want him to know---" Gretchen stopped as the hiccups continued. She always got hiccups when she was nervous and now she was very embarrased.

"So you hiccup when you're nervous. Me-- I stutter. Pretty embarrasing huh?!!" Hutch tried to get her to smile as he reached out to grasp her hand.

"Yes it is. Ever since I was a kid. But-- excuse me! It should slow down soon." Each time the small squeek jerked her stomach into a spasm, Gretchen covered her mouth with her hand until finally she started laughing.

Hutch got up to get her a glass of water, hoping that would ease her distress. But when she started to laugh, Hutch could tell that she was beginning to relax.

"Hutch, I wish David would let me love him. I wanted him to go into surgery with my love in his heart." The hicups had slowed as she finished her sentence.

"He knows, Gretchen. He knows you love him. It's so obvious to Rachel and me that he loves you. But he's just not able to give you 100 per cent of himself yet. You make him very happy and once he's recovered from the surgery, you'll have a hard time keeping up with his energy!" Hutch released her and took another sip of his coffee.

"He is a hard one to resist. The first time he ever winked at me just about did me in. But I'm done being sad. Let's go get something to eat-- I'm hungry!" Gretchen stood up and went over to Rachel.

Rachel had been listening to the conversation as she knitted a sweater.

"Gretchen, not that I was eavesdropping, but you are good for David. He loves you and trusts you. Give him time to feel more like himself and you'll think you've inherited a kid instead of loving an adult!" Rachel set her knitting aside and joined the other two on the way to the cafeteria.

Six and a half hours after saying their good byes, the three anxious visitors were standing in front of Dr. West listening to his report of David's surgery.

"Everything went very well. I am pleased with what I was able to do. He will sleep for a good while yet. You are certainly welcome to sit with him but I also want you to be prepared for what you will see. He is not on a ventilator. I understand he was on that after his original injury, but it's not necessary in this case. But the thing you must understand. His arm must be very closely watched so that nothing bumps into it or rubs against it. The arm position must not be disturbed either. This will be for 24 hours. We will not need to change any dressing until then. But in order to protect it for that amount of time, his arm is rather in a unique dressing. Along with the surgical gauze, his arm is encased in pretty much of a plastic bubble."

Dr. West rubbed his forehead as he finished his explanation. The intricate surgery always left him with a headache and sore muscles.

"Now, please feel free to go and be with him. I myself am going to the doctor's lounge to sleep until it's time for my next surgical procedure. I will look in on you all later this evening."

Dr. West left the little group. The three friends hugged each other and threw their cups and plates away. No one needed to ask who wanted to go see Starsky.

Hutch and Rachel held hands as they walked down the hall. Gretchen walked on the other side of Rachel and put her arm around Rachel's waist.

Hutch led the two women into Starsky's room but everyone stopped just inside the door.

Starsky was on the bed, looking pale and somehow, very small. The usual IV drip was hanging and the heart and blood pressure monitors made their typical intermittent beeping noises. This time, instead of the whooshing sound of a ventilator, there was the steady hum of air being sucked in and out of a machine that looked very much like an air compressor.

On Starsky's right arm the IV was attached and his arm was underneath the blanket. His eyes were closed but his expression was very relaxed and without pain.

On Starsky's left side,-- now that was something very different. It almost looked like a character from a cartoon had taken up residence on Starsky's left side or his original arm had been replaced with Popeye's during surgery.

It was encased excactly the way Dr. West had described that it would be. From his fingers all the way up past his elbow, there was a balloon type casing covering his arm. It was not tight or restrictive in anyway, just protecting the arm. It was opaque in color and they could see beyond it to the arm underneath.

"I hope the poor dear can stay asleep for awhile. He looks so peaceful." Rachel sat in the chair next to the bed and stroked Starsky's hand.

Gretchen and Hutch stood at the end of the bed to get a better view of the equipment.

"I've never been involved with this type of therapy before. It's gonna be interesting to watch.", Gretchen commented as she examined the settings on the machine.

"I hope Starsk gets a chance to see this. He'd be impressed! It's like something out of one of his comic books!" Hutch reached down to massage Starsky's foot.

They stayed for about 1/2 hour but Starsky made no movement or sounds. He was comfortable for the time being so they decided to go home.

Hutch drove everyone back to the house. Gretchen had decided she would stay over night since she didn't have to work the next day. She always kept a sleeping bag in her car so she pulled it out and set it up on the couch. Hutch didn't feel right making her sleep on the couch but she insisted that she was smaller and the couch would fit her better than Hutch's tall, lanky frame.

She didn't tell Hutch the real reason she didn't want to sleep in David's bed. She didn't want to sleep there without David.


	7. Chapter 7

Over the next few days, Starsky hovered between awake and sleep. Dr. West told them that he was trying to keep Starsky quiet for the first few days so that his arm would have a chance to settle after the trauma of surgery. Even with the heavy sedation, he moaned and called out for Gretchen in his sleep.

On the third day after surgery, Starsky was more awake and was able to eat jello and take liquids by mouth. The awkward air compressed cylinder that had been around Starsky's arm was gone. He never really got to see the contraption. He was not awake when it was removed but everybody got to see what had been underneath the balloon type sleeve.

Starsky's arm was very swollen. The area that the sleeve had covered was swollen and puffy, almost shiny in appearance. It was impossible for Starsky to move it, even if he had been able to. He was quite concerned with this when he first woke up. He got very agitated, thinking that the surgery had not been a successs but rather, had uncovered a different problem.

"Starsk, remember Jason and Dr. West told you that at first your arm would look fake and you wouldn't be able to move the arm or flex your fingers. Just try and relax, everything is okay." Hutch sat beside Starsky, trying to convince him that things were going according to schedule.

"But why does it look so funny? It's like it belongs to somebody else!" Starsky was not completely convinced and kept staring in disbelief at his arm.

"Baby-- don't worry now. Dr. West was just here while you were still sleeping and said everything looks great." Gretchen leaned over and kissed Starsky on the forehead and caressed the side of his face.

"Okay, but wake me up the next time he's here will ya?" Starsky yawned and tried to scrunch into a more comfortable position in bed.

"A bomb blast wouldn't have gotten your attention while Dr. West was here. You were completely out of it my friend. Besides, everybody says that once those nerves start to heal and the swelling goes down, you'll wish you didn't have any feeling." Hutch looked with concern at his friend. He didn't want to scare Starsky, but he had to be reminded of what to expect.

"Terrific-- I can't wait. I remember what Jason said about the pain, but I'm just not with it enough for it all to sink in. Now if you'll excuse me-- I need my beauty sleep." Starsky let out a wide yawn follwed by a sleepy murmur.

Just then the phone rang and since Starsky made no move to pick it up, Hutch reached for the reciever.

" --Hi! Oh- he's okay Rachel". ---_** it's your mom**_-- Hutch whispered to a sleepy Starsky.

Starsky had already slipped back into a dream by this time so Hutch continued the conversation.

----"Rachel, yes he's eating some. --- No I don't think you should bring any stew just yet--- wait a minute--".

At Rachel's request, Hutch put the phone to Starsky's ear. Rachel had spoken to Starsky this way before. He had not completely pulled out of his coma after being severely wounded earlier in the year. Rachel had still been in New York, so she called at least twice a day. It hadn't mattered to Rachel if Starsky could talk or not. She had felt certain that her words would reach her son.

Starsky stirred as he registered his mother's voice but could not pull himself out of the sleepy fog he was in.

After about a minute, Hutch put the phone back to his ear and continued his conversation with the older woman.

----"Yeah, he knew it was you, just too sleepy--- I'll come get you later today---okay, call when you're ready for me" ----

Gretchen tapped Hutch on the shoulder and held her hand out for the phone.

----"Rachel, I'll get you. --Yeah, call here and I'll come for you. I have to work tonight anyway so I'll pick you up then you can go home with Hutch.--- I know, David is a good guy--- but both of them are----" Gretchen smiled into the phone and reached out for Hutch.

--"Okay, don't let anything burn--- I love you too! bye!" Gretchen set the phone back on the table as she let out a suppressed giggle.

"That woman wants to mother everybody! She wants all her kids to be comfortable and well fed!"

"Rachel is a good woman. She has almost as much energy as Starsky!"

"I'm hungry, lets go eat while David sleeps. Maybe I'll bring him back some ice cream." Gretchen suggested.

"The two of you and food! You know he's gonna have to have a burrito one of these days from The Burrito Barn. The two of you can enjoy it together." Hutch teased.

Both Gretchen and Starsky had a great appreciaton for food. Starsky still liked his junkier foods, but since his earlier surgeries, was not able to enjoy them like he used to.

"Oh good idea. Maybe in a few days, he'll be able to keep more down. What a great treat for him!"

Gretchen reached down to kiss Starsky on the lips. He stirred and mumbled something so she bent lower to put her ear to his lips, hoping he would continue. He mumbled something only for Gretchen to hear.

She kissed him on the mouth, but what she really wanted to do was strangle him! Gretchen turned around toward Hutch and he took in the blush that was starting to cover her cheeks.

She immediately started to hiccup and her face took on a deep blush.

"Even asleep he's pretty creative huh?" Hutch teased her.

"He's not asleep---" said a husky, male voice from the bed.

"Hutch, don't ask. Something about a-- burrito and me and I'm---" The hiccups interrupted whatever it was that Gretchen was trying to say.

Gretchen headed out the door looking for a water fountain to try and drown her hiccups. Hutch glanced over at the dark haired man as the eyes popped open and a cheesy grin spread over his face.

"Starsky, you're gonna be in trouble with those evil thoughts of yours!"

Hutch laughed as he shook his head at his friend. But that was about all the teasing Starsky could manage for a day. His eyes closed again and he was asleep before Hutch was out the door.


	8. Chapter 8

A week after the surgery, pain took over. Starsky was glad that Jason had forewarned him but the pain was still startling and scary.

A creepy, crawly, burning pain started at his fingers and moved up to his shoulder. Dr. West assured Starsky that this was actually a good sign. It meant that the nerves were beginning to heal and come together. The swelling was also decreasing which meant that the muscles were being fed through the veins and arteries more efficiently.

Starsky hated taking the pain medications. He didn't like the out of control feeling and tried to resist them during the day. He readily took the drugs offered at night because by the time supper was over he was exhausted from fighting with the pain.

Jason now came every day. No therapy could be started yet but Jason seemed to understand better about the pain. Starsky was not allowed to move around much and therefore, not allowed out of bed. Jason became Starsky's private nurse which was fine with him. Not having to deal with the everyday embarrasing things with the other nurses helped Starsky feel more secure. He really admired the nurses and was glad for their care, but some things a man just didn't want to have a female audience for. His wound care still needed attending to and the nurses were all impressed with how well Starsky had healed since they had last seen him.

Starsky was having a particularly painful day. His hand and arm were burning and he just couldn't get in a comfortable position. He had refused Jason's suggestion of pain pills however. Starsky wanted to control the pain in a less overwhelming way.

"Dave, do you want to try ice? Sometimes that helps sort of numb it for awhile and there's no limit as to how often you can use it." Jason stood with an ice pack waiting for Starsky to agree.

"Jason, at this point-- I'd go for walking on hot coals to take my mind off---" Starsky sucked in his breath as another trail of biting pain made its way up his arm. He nodded his head in answer but yelped at the coldness when the ice pack touched his sensitive skin.

"Dave, if you'd just take even a small dose of the---" Jason stopped talking at the warning glare coming from Starsky.

Jason had learned quickly not to push too hard once Starsky had made up his mind about something. But he felt it was only right that he remind Starsky that he didn't have to suffer as much as he did.

"Jason I know you're just doing your job but I---need to try--- to control this instead of it---controlling me." As Starsky made this brave statement, he shut his eyes against the continued pain and breathed in and out through his nose, trying to calm his nerves.

So the two men fell into a pattern over the next six weeks. Jason arrived every morning to get Starsky going for the day. Jason helped him clean up then would teach Starsky some meditation exercises that Jason had learned. The breathing and concentration exercises had helped Jason a lot during his own recovery and he thought Starsky would also benefit from them. Starsky was amazed at the effects the breathing had on his ability to handle the pain.

While Jason was with Starsky in the morning and most of the afternoon, it worked out that Hutch and Rachel would come during the afternoon until Gretchen got off work and she would spend the rest of the evening with Starsky. He still didn't want his family doing any 'nursing' duties but wanted them there for support and to lend normalcy to his life.

During the six weeks another amazing and confidence boosting thing happened. The dressing changes now consisted of twice daily wound checks. No more digging or prodding the areas was necessary. The wounds and scars had become less noticable.

One day as Amy set up for the wound care, Starsky took a good look at himself. Instead of bumpy, red rows of scars, he noticed that they were pink and flatter. His chest hair had even started to grow back in.

"A few more days of this and you'll be done with constant wound care David. The areas really look good." Amy congratulated Starsky as she examined the various places.

"It's amazing. Just a few weeks ago they were ugly tracks all over me and now, I'm almost as good as new!" Starsky beamed at Amy.

"None of the areas even need covered anymore, unless they are still sensitive. But that's up to you. Just keep using the salve Dr. Brooks prescribed and Jason can do your massages. Dr. Brooks was your original doctor so we'll put a consult into him and he can discharge care. But honey, you're not gonna be needing us much longer!"

Amy had been a nurse on the floor when Starsky had originally been injured. His recovery was the talk of the hospital and Amy herself couldn't believe he looked so good. Just her luck he had a girlfriend.

Six weeks and one day after the surgery, Starsky was finally able to go through a whole day with only one pain pill, which he took at night. The pain had become tolerable through those weeks for a number of reasons. The meditation and breathing exercises helped a lot but also the physical pain itself had leveled off. So now the physical therapy could start, bringing Starsky closer to his goal of returning to police work.

During the six week confinement, Starsky's left arm had been immobilized. He had a splint that flattened out his fingers and kept his arm in one position. It was important that the nerves had a chance to heal and arm movement kept at a minimum.

On this day, Hutch, Gretchen and Rachel had joined Starsky for his 'unveiling'. Everyone was anxious about the outcome of the surgery.

Jason started to remove the splint as Dr. West explained what everyone could expect.

"David, first your arm will feel very heavy. I'll have you do a few basic movements first but don't strain as you do them. The minute you feel pain, I want you to stop." Dr. West pushed up his glasses and stepped over to the bed.

"Jason, just support his arm under the elbow, that's good-- now David bend your elbow but keep your hand flat." Dr. West directed.

At first nothing happened, then a slight bend, then a grimace on the determined face as Starsky bent his arm at the elbow. Very slowly his arm moved up until his hand touched his nose. He let out a grunt and Jason guided his arm back down to the bed.

Rachel clapped her hands and hugged Gretchen as everyone let out the breath that nobody knew they had held.

Starsky had a wide smile on his face but winced as his arm came back down on the bed.

"Very good, son. How did it feel?", asked Dr. West.

"Strange, like it wasn't quite real. But really good! I couldn't do that before the surgery!" Starsky smiled and reached out for Gretchen with his right hand.

"Ok now, Jason, help him turn his hand palm up.-- David, just let him do the work for now-- that's it, just rest it against the bed. Now, make a fist." Dr. West studied Starsky's movements closely, looking for any problem.

With the hand resting on the bed, Starsky concentrated making a fist. Very slowly and with many tentative starts, Starsky gingerly curled his fingers into the palm. The fingers didn't quite meet the palm, but it was a definate fist.

Starsky looked up at Dr. West as tears formed in his eyes.

"Doc, I couldn't do that either 6 weeks ago, not without shooting pain up to my shoulder. Now it's not really pain, just a tingly feeling only in my hand.!" Starsky's looked with amazement as his hand curled again into a fist, this time the fingers met into the palm.

"My god, Starsk, did you see that? It's amazing!" Hutch practically jumped for joy at the small, normally insiginificant accomplishment. With Starsky, it was impossible to take anything for granted!

Gretchen kissed Starsky as he reached out for her with his right hand. His arm went around her waist and she leaned closer into him.

"I can't believe this. I feel like I'm watching David take his first steps when he was a baby!" Rachel teared up as Hutch gathered her in his arms for a comforting hug.

By this time everyone was wiping moist eyes, including Jason. Dr. West made some notes on David's chart then looked up at Starsky again.

"This is even better than I expected! You are doing remarkably well! Now, since you did so well with these movements, let's try one more thing. But if it causes any pain, you must stop. I just want to test two separate sets of muscles and the nerves that travel the same path as the muscles."

Dr. West was excited by these results and felt Starsky was a good patient to try this next exercise.

"Now David bring your arm up like before, bend it at the elbow and when you get your arm straight up, make a fist. But remember, any pain at all, you must stop. This isn't a competition, so just try it." Dr. West warned.

Starsky looked around him at all the glowing faces and felt renewed happiness at what he had already been able to do.

Jason stepped out of the way but Dr. West continued to closely examine David for any signs of pain or trouble and waited for Starsky to begin.

Starsky let out a breath and watched as his arm bent at the elbow. This time, no pain at all other than a slight tingle. He hesitated a minute, then very deliberately, he closed his hand into a fist and held it there. No pain lines were visible in the overjoyed face that smiled back at the other tear filled eyes.

Starsky guided his arm back down beside him and stood up. He reached out for Dr. West and pulled him into a great bear hug.

The older man grumbled something and cleared his throat before he returned the hug and slapped Starsky on the back.

"Well, uh- my goodness-", Dr. West fell over his words. He had never been thanked in such a gregarious way and was embarrased but not offended. He was not used to his patients being so demonstrative.

"Easy there Starsk, don't tackle the man!-- But Dr. West, we all feel the same way Starsky does-- you can't imagine what this means to all of us!" Hutch reached over to shake the doctor's hand and gathered Starsky in his own bear hug.

"Now- when can I go home?" Said a bouncing Starsky.


	9. Chapter 9

Starsky had to be patient a little longer. Dr. West wanted him to get a good start on his therapy in the hospital. He wanted to monitor Starsky closely at the beginning and then he would be released into Jason's care.

Actually, Dr. West had been very pleased with what Starsky was able to do the first time out. His only other patient who had been able to achieve such quick results was Jason. Dr. West felt very confident that Starsky would be able to have full use of his hand and get back to the life he missed.

Three days later, Starsky was just finishing up his therapy with Jason. They had worked for three hours, working on large muscle movements and had just begun fine finger coordination. Starsky was able to pick up a spoon, a pencil and a glass with good results.

"Dave, practice writing now. That's a good finger coordination exercise. If you can write your name five times, it's a good start."

"I feel like I'm in school! Hey will my handwriting improve because of all this? My captain always complains how bad my handwriting is!" Starsky studied his writing efforts on the tablet. He had written his name three times, but so far, it wasn't very good.

"Well, I'm no writing expert, but as of now, you have a great doctor signature!" Jason teased as he packed up all his equipment.

Just then, Gretchen floated into the room. Starsky met her in the middle of the room and swept her off her feet in a giant hug.

"Wow, nice greeting. Is this part of the therapy Jason?" Gretchen caught her breath as Starsky released her.

"Well, couldn't hurt! Hey- did you bring that exercise ball you were telling me about?" Gretchen pulled the putty like tennis ball out of her purse and handed it to Jason.

"Give me that thing, I'll bet I could collapse the damn ball this time!", Starsky bragged.

"I've seen this before. I forgot I used it too after my surgery. It's a good piece of equipement and would be great. -- Go ahead Dave, see what you can do."

Starsky took the ball from Jason in his left hand. He easily grasped the ball and when he squeezed, the ball not only caved in on itself but there were very deep finger impressions as well.

"Now 8 weeks ago, David couldn't even grasp that in his left hand much less make any kind of markings on it. I guess you're way past this honey!" Gretchen kissed Starsky on the cheek and took the ball from him. She threw it at Jason and laughed as he caught it.

A dark shadow crossed Jason's face as he caught the ball, stopping the giggle that rose out of Gretchen.

"Sorry, man. You still miss baseball, don't ya?", Starsky reached over and grasped the big man's shoulder in his hand.

"Yeah, I can't help wondering how far I could have gone if I would've continued with baseball. But--- I love what I'm doing now and I do coach little league. My wife and I love baseball and the kids are great. I'm a coach and my wife is a team mother."

His face lit up as he talked about the coaching and his eyes grew soft when he mentioned his wife.

"I never told you much about Sandy. Well guess what, we just found out we're pregnant!" Jason beamed at the people in front of him and Starsky slapped him on the back and Gretchen reached up on her toes to give him a hug.

They talked a few minutes longer then Jason was on his way. Finally Starsky and Gretchen were alone. Starsky sat on the recliner and Gretchen sat beside him on a straight chair.

Starsky looked over at her with a grin on his face and motioned her to join him in the recliner.

"Are you sure? What about your chest?" Gretchen got up but searched David's eyes for any signs of pain.

"We won't know till we try right? Besides, you're too far away in that other chair." Starsky slid over more as Gretchen gingerly fit her self around Starsky.

They both let out a big sigh and laughed at each other. Starsky was extremely happy to have Gretchen so close but Gretchen couldn't think about anything but hurting him. She had such a serious look on her face that Starsky leaned over and kissed her on the mouth. Instead of pulling away, Gretchen answered back with a firmer, searching kiss.

They finally pulled away and Starsky ran his hand through Gretchen's hair.

"This is what I've been waiting for. You feel so good and smell terrific!" Starsky whispered.

"Mmmm- you're not so bad yourself." Gretchen's voice cracked as emotions washed over her.

Starsky shifted in the chair and tried to check the wince from showing on his face, but Gretchen caught it and kissed his cheek and stood up.

"Enough of that the first time out. C'mon we'll make do with me sitting next to you." Gretchen suggested but with disappointment in her voice.

"I have a better idea." Starsky got up out of the chair and closed the door out into the hall.

He went back to Gretchen and took her hand.

"I happen to know there won't be another nurse in here for one hour. Come with me."

He pulled the privacy curtain part way around the bed as he put out his arms to welcome her.

Starsky guided her to the bed and reached over to kiss her. He stopped long enough to sit further in the bed and lay down, bringing Gretchen with him.

She melted into him as he turned toward her to continue the hungry kiss. Her hands rested on his chest as he played with the buttons on her blouse. She pulled away and just watched what his left hand was doing.

"This is part of my therapy. I need to practice my fine finger movements. Seems like enjoyable work to me!", Starsky's voice was thick with passion and Gretchen just relaxed against the mattress and closed her eyes.

As Starsky was unwrapping his present, Gretchen blindly smoothed over his T-shirt clad chest with her hand. She opened her eyes when she felt a warm kiss at the base of her throat.

"Now it's my turn to explore.", whispered Gretchen.

Her hand traveled down to the bottom of Starsky's shirt and cautiously, her hand began to explore what was underneath the shirt.

Starsky purred as he felt Gretchen's warm hand connect with his flesh. Her hand gathered courage and pushed the shirt up with her movement. Very slowly she felt each ridge and contour, committing to memory the feel of the skin under her hand.

She kissed the center of his chest as Starsky brought his hand to cover hers. She looked up expecting to be stopped but the wide, smokey eyes told her to continue.

Just then the door to the room squeaked open and a hesititant voice called out to Starsky.

"David, umm-- are you alright?"

From behind the curtain a very contented voice responded,

"I'm just fine"-

"He sure is" another quieter voice sighed.

"Okay then sorry", the emabarassed nurse apologized on her way out the door.

Quiet murmurs mixed with rustling sheets.

Buzz at the nurses desk was 'do not disturb'.


	10. Chapter 10

Over the next few days, Starsky improved so much that Dr. West consented to giving Starsky a release date. After he completed some final tests, Starsky would be going home the following week. He was set up for a final lung function test, tred mill test and some nerve studies which Dr. West felt certain would come back with excellent results.

Rachel had decided to go home. She had been away from home for many months and missed her house and friends. She wanted to wait until all the test results came back before she left. While she waited for her son to come home, she went on a cooking frenzy. She stocked the freezer with soups, casseroles and roasts. She made sure there were a few of David's favorite things waiting for him to enjoy after she left.

Jason finished his therapy plan with Starsky and was very happy that Starsky had done so well. The two men had become friends and Jason invited Starsky and Gretchen to a little league game.

"Then we can go out for dinner-- do you like pizza?", Jason asked as he sat watching Starsky finish his arm exercises.

Starsky looked up after counting his 10th arm lift with the weight. He wasn't done but he was ready for a break.

"Isn't pizza the main part of a healthy diet? To tell you the truth, since my surgeries, I haven't been able to eat too much spicy stuff, but I could never give up pizza or burritos. In fact-- I'm still waiting for my burrito from The Burrito Barn!" Starsky laughed as he picked up the weight again and curled his arm into his chest.

"Well I would still like you to meet my wife Sandy and we could decide where to eat later if pizza isn't a good idea. But keep in touch and remember--- keep up those exercises!" Jason let out a low whistle of admiration as Starsky finished 10 more curls with the weight.

Starsky wagged his eyebrow and stood up to hug Jason good bye.

The end of the week brought good news for Starsky. The nerve study tests were all positive. The muscles and nerves were all working together with no residual problems. There was no swelling in the muscles or nerves and the strength in Starsky's left hand was solid.

"David, as far as I'm concerned, you're ready to go home. Now I know that you will have to be evaluated by your precinct medical department before you are released for duty. When the time comes for that hearing, I will gladly testify that you are fit and able for police duty physically. I'm going to call your department doctor before I go back to New York and give him my report and suggest that he call me when the hearing convenes. I wish you the best, young man. You've been an inspiring patient."

By now, Dr. West was used to Starsky's bear hugs so he was not surprised when he received his final hug.

As expected the other tests cleared Starsky to go home. Dr. Brooks was surprised however to find different results with the lung function tests.

Starsky sat opposite Dr. Brooks wondering what was wrong. Gretchen and Hutch had joined Starsky for the final results but from the serious look on the doctor's face, none of them was sure what to expect.

"Doc, don't scare me like this. Is something wrong?" Starsky frowned and his hands shook as Gretchen held one hand and Hutch the other.

"I'm just absolutely amazed. I don't know that this has ever happend before" Dr. Brooks rubbed his face and apologized for his attitude.

"I'm sorry, I don't mean to worry you but-- well, your lung function test is better than it was 3 months ago. You see, I didn't expect your lung function to improve and that's why you had to repeat that part. I just didn't believe the results." Dr. Brooks scratched his head in disbelief but smiled as the three friends hugged each other.

"Doc, what exactly does this mean. Are you telling me my lung function is normal? Can I go back to work?" Starsky stood up and paced the room.

"Yes, your lung capacity should satisfy your department medical board. I even checked what levels they expect the cadets in training to register and you are within that range."

Dr. Brooks suddenly found himself scooped out of his chair and lifted off his feet as a curly haired, whooping man picked him up in a bone crushing hug.

Hutch picked Gretchen up in their own whirling hug. He kissed her and set her down. They hugged again then Starsky joined the circle and was sandwiched in a group hug.

Dr. Brooks watched the celebration and even a couple of the nurses had wandered into the room to inspect what the noise was all about. Dr. Brooks explained Starsky's excellent results and the nurses clapped and hugged each other. Pam and Sheila had been with Starsky at the beginning of his ordeal and both were glad to witness this most exciting news.

---------------

"Okay, do you think you're ready? Just take a deep breath." Hutch stood back and crossed his fingers.

On a beautiful spring afternoon, Stasky and Hutch were at the police firing range. In a few weeks, Starsky would take his final weapons test. So far Both Dr. Brooks and Dr. West had testified in front of the review board. Their recommendations were highly regarded and the outcome looked favorable. Once he passed the weapons test, all the results and final decision would be handed down a week later.

In the months following Starsky's release from the hospital, life had gotten very busy. Starsky immediately put in for his review and stepped up his training with Jason's help. Jason got him ready and Hutch kept him company on their daily run.

Starsky even consented to drinking a protein drink every morning. He hated to admit it but the mixture gave him added energy and was easier on his stomach than his old favorites of pizza and root beer.

As a celebration, Rachel had made a wonderful dinner on her last night with her family. She made all of David's favorites, found out from Hutch what he wanted and Gretchen had even brought David a Burrito Barn Burrito, minus the hot peppers. Starsky still had trouble eating but he did his best to taste it all.

Gretchen was a constant in Starsky's life. Neither admitted out loud that they were very much in love but it was obvious to anyone who spent five minutes with them. Starsky wanted to get his career back in gear and get himself back in the swing of things but he really wanted Gretchen with him. He wanted to be able to offer her the whole package. He wanted his career, his confidence and his girl together at the same time.

Hutch had helped him on the firing range and the crime scene simulator. Preliminary testing showed Starsky's reaction times to be as good or better than before he was injured.

So on this spring day, Starsky held his gun steady and balanced his body, ready for target practice. He squeezed the trigger in rapid succession and stopped when the bullets did.

As the target slid up to Starsky, Hutch moved in and patted Starsky on the back.

"It's really good partner. You are steady and straight.--- see, what did I tell ya?" Hutch grabbed the target sheet and admired Starsky's score.

"Well, two more weeks and the people who count will make the final decision. I'm scared as anything. But I'm convinced it'll be okay." The two men left the firing range arm in arm, anticipating the next weeks.

-----------------

Sitting on the coffee table was a letter addressed to Detective David Michael Starsky. The return address was the Bay City Police Board.

Starsky sat on the couch with his feet on either side of the letter. Hutch sat on one side, Gretchen on the other, all three staring at the large white envelope.

"It's gotta be good news right? If they'd rejected me it would only be one page-- this looks like a bunch of pages." Starsky slid his hands up and down his jeans, trying to wipe the sweat off his hands.

"C'mon mushbrain, would ya open it already? What are you waiting for, the Bay City Police Band to play the police fight song?" Hutch nudged Starsky in the shoulder and sat forward with his arms on his knees."

"David, if you don't open it this second, I will!", threatened Gretchen.

Starsky reached over and picked up the envelope. His future was within that envelope. Words that would reward him for all that he had been through or would they be words that would change his very soul?

Suddenly, he ripped open the envelope. One word stood out among all of the rest--- **CONGRATULATIONS**--

He didn't immediately read the rest of the letter, he was too busy jumping up and down on the couch.

What a sweet reward to know that the convictions which carry us through our life are appreciated and believed in.


End file.
